I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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