So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
