A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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