My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
