Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
