so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
