It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
