Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
