if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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