If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
