tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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