Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
