i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
