shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
