Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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