It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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