Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
