i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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