I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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