I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
