I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
