The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
