I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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