I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
