I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
