Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
