I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
