why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
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Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
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I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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