Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
