it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
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I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
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I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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