Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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