i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
