I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
