My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
