wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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