My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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