Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same