i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
