my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
