Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
