he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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