What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
