then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
