mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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