dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
