therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just high enough for therapy.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
