"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's shark week go big or go home
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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