I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
