so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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