idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
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I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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