At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
