Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
