I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
