I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wish they made helmets for livers.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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