I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
