Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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