We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
