New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
