What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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