I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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