Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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