I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
