Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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