1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
